On Resolutions

I’m thinking of swearing off lists in 2009, one of my resolutions, just do, don’t make lists. But resolutions are a kind of list, aren’t they? So I’d have to swear off them too, which would be freeing, to just give myself a break this year and let life flow naturally, arise spontaneously, like a good boddisatva.

Which reminds me, another resolution, if I were making them, would be to meditate more, in fact, to adopt a regular daily practice so that I could get better at letting life flow naturally. I did a week-long silent meditation retreat last Spring, and I remember discovering this on about the third or fourth day of sitting, after a tough bout of planning and list-making on the cushion, jumping toward the next week of work and how behind I was getting, it suddenly hit me: Oh geeze, Anne, you don’t have to do anything. (With an emphasis on ANY-thing.) And it felt like this weight was lifted off me, because I actually believed it; because my mind in that instant was like a film projector running backwards through all the best moments of my life...sending in my winning photo to the Washington Post, spontaneous; taking my first trip to Brazil, decided while I was cleaning my house with Gigi and listening to Tom Jobim sing so sweetly of saudades; and several years earlier, the decision to go to graduate school, then break out on my own and start SeeChange; before that, buying my house, and before that, getting divorced, getting married...These were all things that happened suddenly, spontaneously, without any planning; moments in life that seemed to lead me gently forward, like a river that just knows where it’s flowing. (Well, ok, the divorce decision was more like a raging plummeting waterfall.)

Maybe this is one of my accomplishments for 2008, if I were listing them, which I’m not, because that would be starting 2009 on a contrarion foot. But if I were to spell it out, it would say something like… trusting life to lead me where I'm meant to go.

So now I rekindling my Planet Brazil blog, another potential resolution for 2009, if I were making them. It looks like I am, though admittedly a little late, so I'll have to backtrack a little and fill in some blanks – and, ok, it takes to shift into a year of action – and not procrastination. Like pulling an old car out of the garage – it takes a little time to get warmed up before you put it in gear, give her some gas, and go. There’s patience involved – which would be another resolution to add to my list if I were keeping them. So, without putting these things on a list, looks like I’m warming up and getting started with living-up to the set of non-resolutions for the new year. Good job, Anne. I also want to be more appreciative of myself in the new year, because if I’m not, who’s going to be?